


What are We?

by Willowanderer



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit Sanders Has a Different Name, Gen, I see no sympathetic sides here, I see no unsympathetic sides here, Morally Neutral Deceit Sanders, Morally Neutral Morality | Patton Sanders, deep philosophical questions, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22552753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowanderer/pseuds/Willowanderer
Summary: In the wake of Remus's reveal, Patton has a lot to think about. Deceit comes visiting.Is this better or worse than being alone? Is it really different than being alone?They used to be the same.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Deceit Sanders, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	What are We?

It was his room, but not his realm that Patton sat in now. 

He didn’t need any help to get lost in memories right now. He just needed to be by himself. It wasn’t a feeling he felt a lot. He hated being alone. Normally he was better around other people. 

Well… maybe not  _ better _ .

Better at pretending he was better.

He knew better. It was hard, sometimes, to be Morality, to watch the swinging needle of wrong and right. To balance that with feelings. He wrapped himself in the hoodie Logan had given him, a gift for him, made by someone else. A silent reminder about feeling bad. About being honest about feelings. About feeling too much. He pulled the hood of his hoodie low, and tried to smile to himself, thinking about what Virgil action that was. His friend, his kiddo, his partner in the dynamic emotionally powered duo. 

And… in this case, partner in crime. 

Well, not  _ crime _ .

But being wrong. 

He wasn’t Logan, but he did sure dislike it when it turned out he was wrong. 

He was supposed to know right from wrong.

Kind of his thing. 

But he  _ was  _ wrong. Thoughts weren’t action. They didn’t have to mean anything. After all, did daydreaming about anything really have to mean anything? Did the thoughts of passion that rippled through from time to time mean anything, necessarily? He let those happen because they tingled and felt good. The difference being that the other thoughts felt bad. 

It was simple. 

It should be simple. 

Why couldn’t things be simple?

“Well, Well. The truth will out, it seems.” a familiar voice said behind him. 

“ _ You _ let him out.” Patton said quietly.

“I know what I said.” there was a faint hiss to the last word. “He wouldn’t be as bad if you hadn’t locked him up.” 

“I did the right thing.” He clenched his hands into fists, balanced on his knees. 

“Are you sure? Was it right for him to split at all?”

“He was hurting himself! You know what that’s like!”

“I do. But do  _ you  _ remember?”

“Of  _ course  _ I do.” 

It had been terrifying, pulling himself apart. For the first few moments, it had felt like looking at himself. It didn’t make sense. He didn’t like thinking about it. But he remembered what it had been like  _ before _ . The way he couldn’t even agree with himself. But the worst was how much  _ better  _ it felt afterwards. When he was they and disagreeing no longer felt like it was tearing him apart.

Because it already had.

Patton forced his hands to unclench, knowing that beneath the fabric there would be red marks in his palms. He couldn’t help it; a hazard of being the heart as well as Morality, he was very strong. So he had to be careful. 

“I wonder. It certainly doesn’t seem like you do.”

“I wouldn’t lie.”

There was a fast, short bark of a laugh.

“Oh no of  _ course  _ you wouldn’t.” his voice dropped. “That’s my job, after all.” 

“Stop it.”

“Always telling people what to do.” 

He turned around and glared. 

“That’s not what it is!”

“You just said you wouldn’t lie too.” Deceit tsked gently and wiggled a yellow-gloved finger. “It’s okay, Patton. I’ll keep your secrets.” That was also part of his job. Lies were primarily about keeping information, after all. “I always have.” 

“Ethan,  _ please. _ ” a name he didn’t use. A secret Patton kept. 

“That’s what  _ I _ said.” 

“You didn’t want to be the same any more either! You changed!”

“We both did. But one of us stayed and the other left.”

“Yes. You left. You could have stayed.”

“Oh yes.” He said rolling his eyes. “I’m sure I would have been  _ so  _ welcome.” 

“No one asked you to leave.” 

“Better to reign in hell. I didn’t fancy being kicked out.” 

No one made him. It had been bad enough to just be different so suddenly, even if it was a relief to stop disagreeing with himself so hard it hurt. Because even though there had been two before and two after, he knew there should be three. But it was two and one… somewhere else. By himself. 

It hadn’t been dark sides then. 

They hadn’t been dark sides until after Creativity had split. Then it was bad and it was good, it was light and it was dark. 

It was so much simpler to think about than what makes something wrong or right. 

Ethan had gone, and only shown up at the worst times. Ethan had embraced the worst of himself, and become simply Deceit. Let the distance Thomas put between himself and his lies change him. He’d shown up before Creativity split, like he knew it was going to happen. He pushed the point, like he wanted it to happen. Like he was there to make it worse. Except- he’d accepted the other one. The one that scared Patton, that he couldn’t bring himself to accept. Whatever he’d whispered into the embrace, truth or lies, it got the shakes to stop. The shock of the split calmed, while Patton still struggled with soothing the other’s tears. They had stared at each other, unconsciously mirroring each other across the room. Logan had stood halfway between the book ended sets, looking increasingly uncomfortable before shutting his eyes for a moment, steadying himself. Trying to bridge with reason; they’d split but they didn’t have to seperate. That they were all the same, even if they were different. As carefully phrased as it was, it sounded like begging. Don’t leave again. 

They left.

They’d only been children themselves.

But Creativity- Remus- he wouldn’t stay away, drawn back like a magnet to his other half, his  _ brother _ . They would clash, they would argue, they would bounce against each other, and every time Patton would be faced with how much he’d failed. He just… couldn’t take Remus. He was scared of him. He  _ couldn’t  _ accept the things Remus said and did. It was too much. But he couldn’t bear to part them when they came together of their own accord. It would be wrong when he missed Ethan, even when he hated what he stood for. Until it had gotten worse. 

Puberty was hard on all of them. Something had to be done. It wasn’t really locking Remus up. It wasn’t. It was more like… grounding him. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t get out. He was just… pushed down. Ignored. Shunned. It was… repression. And he had told himself it was okay to do that, press the part of creativity he didn’t like (it wasn’t just him! No one liked Remus! No one wanted him around, he was too much!) down and away and as far from the places where Thomas found his normal thoughts. There was too much going on. It was just… one less thing and that was good.

It wasn’t a failure. 

It was good. 

It was the right thing to do. 

It was why he’d tried so hard to accept Anxiety, even when he’d done his best to push everyone away. Patton just couldn’t deal with failing again. So he could accept  _ fear _ , even if he couldn’t accept things that scared him. That and a brief encounter, hidden from everyone else, where it had been Ethan who asked that Patton take care of him if he came within his sphere of influence. Patton liked to think he would have anyway. He savored the scraps of concern and compassion that Ethan hid when he talked about Anxiety and Remus. They were still the same, the way Remus and Roman were both Creativity. Deceit still cared. So much. 

Even if he pretended he didn’t.

Whatever Ethan- whatever  _ Deceit  _ had done to make Anxiety hate him, to make Virgil leave, it was between the two of them. Sometimes Patton wondered if Virgil wouldn’t confide in him because he knew how similar they were. But only Logan knew. Creativity had barely been an idea when Emotion became Morality and the first split had happened. Even when Creativity was crying over the change and the emptiness, Patton couldn’t bring himself to tell him what had happened. And after Roman had dubbed the others ‘Dark’- well Patton didn’t want to risk it. He’d been scared enough. Deceit played the villain, and Roman hated him because heroes hated villains. Logan hated falsehoods, twisted facts, deliberate misinformation, but allowed how sometimes it was preferable. And Virgil hated lies, because he was wrong so often. He couldn’t help but think things that weren’t true, that couldn’t be true, so lies were both uncomfortable and comforting. But Virgil hated Deceit, personally, more than he hated the lies he told. 

Maybe someday he’d trust them enough to tell them why. 

Maybe someday Patton would trust his kiddos enough to tell them what happened. 

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“He was getting loose anyway. Thomas is spreading himself thin, and that’s going to let all sorts of things out. Remus just wants attention. Logan has managed to severely limit him.” he sounded pleased. “Perhaps in time there won’t be light and dark at all any more.”

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Patton, what’s that quote we heard the other day? ‘If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be.’”

“I don’t think this is what it meant! You’re going to hurt Thomas.”

“I would never purposely hurt Thomas, you know that.” there was a bristle of anger in Deceit’s voice. 

“Then  _ act  _ like it.”

“Oh do you mean act like you? Careless? Whimsical? Repressing everything that might possibly be…” he gestured at his face “ugly?” 

“That’s… not what I meant.” 

“Isn’t it?” 

Patton reached out to him, and Deceit pulled back. 

“There’s plenty of me still in you, Patton. I can tell the truth, and you- you can lie with the best of them.” The words made him flinch. “Mostly to yourself, so there’s that.” 

“It wasn’t my fault.” 

Deceit rolled his eyes.

“Wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t!” Patton insisted. “You’re the one who’s always saying there’s a choice.”

“And  _ I _ made it.” He tipped his head, and Patton winced. 

“You don’t regret it?”

“I accept it.” He looked at his hands, a gesture that would resemble inspecting his nails if it weren’t for the gloves. “That does make things easier to take.” He smiled, one side only. “You should try it sometime. Or is acceptance only for the cute?” 

“That’s not fair and you know it.” 

“Fair?” Deceit snorted “Are we going  _ there  _ again? Fair is such an arbitrary construct, Morality. People push children so hard on the idea that things should be fair- but as soon as adulthood looms on the horizon, they spend the rest of their miserable lives hounding on the fact that life  _ isn’t  _ fair.” he scoffed. “Fair is a four letter word that means ‘I’m not getting what I want’.” 

“We’re not children anymore.” 

“Then why do you keep insisting things should be simple?”

“Because I want them to be!” Patton burst out. “I  _ wish  _ they would be. What do you want out of me, Ethan?”

Deceit drew back a little surprised. 

“Do you want me to say that you’re right? Because I don’t think I can. You aren’t right. Not about everything. Okay, so you’re a little right, but that doesn’t make what you’ve been doing okay!” 

“I am doing my  _ job _ . I am protecting Thomas. And yes, by  _ lying _ . To be kind. To save people’s feelings. To help Thomas. Is it only okay when you do it? Does coming from you automatically make lies innocent? What a  _ wonderful  _ power.” he recovered from his surprise and his sarcasm was scathing. “ _ Do _ share that with me.” 

“What are we?” Patton demanded.

“What?”

“What are we, Ethan? The two of us?”

“Pieces of Thomas.” Deceit said after a long moment. They weren’t twins; they weren’t brothers. Not like Creativity. For all they fought and clashed, Roman and Remus recognised themselves in each other. They were brothers because they  _ identified  _ themselves as brothers. Family within family. They were related, but each side was a reflection of Thomas- except Creativity, which reflected itself as well. “We all are. However you might wish otherwise.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.” he snapped. “Lying is wrong, but you’re more than that, aren’t you?” 

“Am I?” Deceit asked mockingly. “That’s news.” He leaned in however. “Do you really want to know what else I am?”

“Yes.”

Their cheeks brushed, like a mockery of an embrace. “Honesty.” he breathed into Patton’s ear. 

Patton pulled back like the word scalded him. 

“How can you be honesty if-”

“How can I lie if I don’t know what the truth is?” Deceit countered. 

“Shouldn’t I be-”

“Are you?” he continued. “I know you do your best. That is, after all, what you do. But I have many traits you think you hold. Kindness. Comfort. Self preservation though- not one of yours. Rather the opposite. Selflessness is not automatically a virtue, darling. Or I could be lying. But am I?” 

“You-”

“What purpose would it serve?”

“It would make me doubt myself.” Patton said quietly. Deceit sat back and clapped his hands together amused. 

“Good.” his face went flat. “You should doubt yourself. Unexamined morality is a poison.” 

“I don’t think you have to worry about that. I doubt myself all the time.” 

There was a hiss of air, as Deceit examined that statement. A flicker of inhumanity. 

“Huh. Truth. How nice that you won't lie  _ to my face _ at least."

“Do we have to fight?” Patton asked. “I… don’t want us to have to be like this.”

Deceit snorted. 

“Funny. I could have  _ sworn  _ it was your fault we were. It’s not much fun to be told that you’re not important or necessary. But then I’m hardly the only one that’s been told that. I suppose even you admit that ‘love the sinner hate the sin’ is a ridiculous concept.” 

“That…. That’s not the same thing.” 

“Oh really? How is it different? Let me lay it flat so you can see the shape of it ‘love the liar, hate the lying’” 

“I saw what you were saying.” Patton objected quickly. “I do love you.”

From the sour look on Deceit’s face, he didn’t even have to try to smell the truth of what Patton said. He loved him even if it hurt him. Even if it was hypocritical. Even if it was paradoxical. (He knew big words; it was just fun to pretend otherwise. Ethan was right. He was a liar.) He curled up, hunching into his hoodie again. 

“I know you think you do. But you won’t accept me. Won’t accept what I do.”

"I can't accept it. I won't accept it. It’s  _ wrong _ .”

“According to whom?” the words rolled over him like a cold wind, and Patton was alone again.

He hated being alone.

He always had. 


End file.
